Is there really a school-gate mafia?

There was a recent Netmums survey that found that 36% of mothers (1773 polled) disliked the school run and many felt that there were cliques at the school gate. Of course, that does actually mean that 64% of mothers in the survey liked or didn’t mind the school run, which is great!

I have a bit of a theory about the school run and school gate mafia, as they are sometimes termed. I think that a large part of the fear and insecurity we feel there (and I say ‘we’, because I have been there and felt like that myself, though feel very welcome and comfortable now – at the start of my third year as a school parent) is down to our expectations. We expect to have a bad time at the school gate, because we’ve read pieces like the Netmums one or books like The Playground Mafia. We’ve heard exaggerated tales on forums and blogs about others’ experiences and so we go in there with a negative expectation instead of a positive one.

I’m not in any way denigrating the feelings of isolation and fear that mums (I’ve not heard many dads complain about this, but that might be more because historically it has been more common for mums to do the school run) feel. I’m not saying at all that they don’t feel it. I did feel it, though thankfully not to the extent some experience. But, I do think that these feelings contribute to us misinterpreting others’ action.

I don’t think that the cliques that people talk about are cliques at all, I think they’re just groups of friends, or even just parents of friends. Sometimes they might seem like cliques of a certain type – like ‘the geeks’ and the ‘SAHMs’ and the ‘yummy mummies’ – but actually they’re just people with some shared interests who have gravitated together, because of those shared interests. Most groups that seem like cliques are just parents whose children are in the same class. Some of them are people whose children went to the same baby group or playgroup.

They’re not whispering about you. They’re not looking at you and saying they don’t want to talk to you. They’re just talking about the things they’re talking about – their job interviews, their holiday, the upcoming birthday party or school event, their new phone, the latest benefit cuts… The mum who walks past you without making eye contact, is not snubbing you or being rude; she just finds it difficult to engage in conversation with people she doesn’t know, because she’s actually a bit shy.

I’m not suggesting that there are no bullies at the schoolgate. Of course there will be some in some schools. There are bullies in every walk of life, sadly, but I really believe that a lot of the general negativity that we perceive at the school gate is actually just that – a perception. I really don’t think there is a school-gate mafia.

But… there are some people who struggle a huge deal with the school run. Claire (another blogger) has had a horrible time at the school gate, for example:

For me one of the worst things about school was always the playground, I hated the bullying, the gangs and the general atmosphere. As soon as my son started school I began to get the same butterflies in my stomach as I had throughout my school life. There seems to be no difference between now and then, there are bullies, cliques, haves and have nots. I’ve been ‘looked up and down’ and opinions have been formed without the benefit of a conversation with me. I’ve had fully grown women scream obscenities at me and I have been pushed and shoved. There are more times that I have come home virtually in tears than there are times I have come happy.

To be quite honest if I could pay someone to take and collect my children for me I would. I can honestly say, its the worst part of my day, I dread it.

In my real professional life I tend to avoid large groups of women and this is pretty much why, some women seem to revel in making others lives a misery. Unfortunately, at least where I live many of the mothers are Stay at Home Mums I honestly think they have very little else to occupy their lives than to create little dramas in the playground.

I think the school playground is a reason to consider Home Education very carefully.

But what can we do to counteract this impression? As a new parent, try to remember that the other parents really are not out to get you, they’re just a bit wrapped up in their own world. If your school has a parent buddy system, ask for a buddy. If it doesn’t, why not ask the class teacher or the head or one of the teaching assistants to introduce you to someone? Also, know that it will get better. It might take a year or so for you to settle into the school, but you will almost certainly start feeling you belong there and you will make some friends – once your child is in Year 2, you’ll probably in one with the groups that new parents think are cliques. And you won’t realise that you appear this way, because you’ll be wrapped up in your own world.

Which leads me to my next suggestion… If you’re an established parent, if you have already made your friends and feel comfortable and welcome at school… Stop. Look around you. Do you see a parent stood on their own? Say hello! Ask how their child is settling in. Ask how they’re settling in. Ask if there’s anything they’re not sure about and need help with. But be aware that not everyone wants to get involved on the school run. Some parents do just want to drop and run, and are not interested in chatting and making friends there. Respect that and don’t force it. But do keep smiling and saying hello.

What about you? Do you love the school run or hate it? Do you believe in the school-gate mafia? Do you have negative expectations? Do you make an effort to include new parents? Are you one of the parents who doesn’t care about this at all and just drops their children off and picks them up without worrying about what anyone else is doing? Do you have any more tips for new parents to help them in their own settling-in period?