I’ll give you a Quaver if you stay in your buggy

Eleanor has hit the 18-month frustration stage. Otherwise known as the ear-splitting scream stage. Or the head-banging, kicking, defiant, stubborn, really, really hard work stage. I had forgotten about this stage.

I had forgotten about this stage. I think perhaps it’s a bit like labour and you wipe it from your mind, forgetting just quite how painful it can be. If you didn’t, you would never look at your husband, let alone throw those pills in the bin.

I am remembering now, though. Remembering that constant choruses of ‘No!’ are futile, as are detailed (or even simple) explanations as to why, exactly, your child needs to stay in her buggy, put her shoes on, lie on the changing mat, or put down the £300 crystal vase in the shop no parent of a toddler should ever even dream of entering.

What works are distractions – “Oh my God! Look at that elephant over there! Quick, or you’ll miss it!” “Look at mummy. Isn’t she funny? Have you seen her do the Ministry of Silly Walks sketch before? Oh, alright then, I’ll blow a raspberry instead. Bbbbrrrrrbbbb.”

Distraction only works sometimes, though, and the same thing can lose its effectiveness pretty quickly. The best solution is, of course, the staple of every parent’s arsenal – bribery. Especially, at this age, in the form of food. The trouble is, second-time round, those bribes become unhealthy pretty early on.

With Rosemary, bribes were mostly dried apricots, or maybe the odd Nairn’s oat digestive. With Eleanor, though, you can’t get away with that. She has seen the good stuff. She is not to be fobbed off with desiccated fruit. The best we can usually manage is a bit of flapjack, but usually it requires the application of chocolate, ice cream or crisps – Quavers being the current favourite.

Quavers have been used to get her into her buggy, to keep her in her buggy and even, after a particularly demanding afternoon, to dissuade her, if only briefly, from yet again demanding Dot Dot*. Whoever invented the term breastfeeding on demand, had not experienced a still-breastfeeding 18-month-old. You can’t breastfeed them on demand. You’d wither away. Or your nipples would fall off.

I would never have imagined that I would hear myself saying it, but Oh Boy, am I grateful for Quavers**.

* Dot Dot = Breastmilk – absolutely no idea why

** No, this is not a sponsored post, though if someone would like to send me a large box of Quavers I wouldn’t turn them down. No siree.