The parenting split

Chris and I both work from home – together. We run (or fail to run) the home – together. We bring up our children – together. Yes, of course, there are things we disagree on and areas where one of us would like the other to do better – I always pile junk on the dining table; Chris (and Eleanor!) leave the kitchen towel and tea towel all over the house. There are things one of us tends to do – the washing is mine (though, I’m falling down dismally on putting it away) and the gardening is most certainly Chris’s (I have anti-green fingers – I look at a plant and it keels over) – and there are things we both do, depending on who has the time opportunity or whose turn it is (dishwasher loading and emptying, putting the bins out, feeding the dog). Cooking is probably pretty much a straight half and half split, though we don’t have a rota or anything, so it’s just whoever feels like cooking or has the time or energy – or we’ll both cook something (me a veggie dish and Chris a non-veggie dish). And, yes, there are even more things that neither of us does and we really, really should, but heh ho, busy working parents and all that.

But we really do split the parenting pretty much equally, too, which seems to be something of a surprise to many people. Or just unexpected, perhaps. There really seems to be an expectation that the mother will be responsible for pretty much all things child-related. Teachers say things like ‘I hope your mummies made you big breakfasts this morning, because we’ve got a busy day,’ other parents will ask ‘Did your mummy take you for a haircut?’, shopkeepers will say ‘Your mummy will help you with the buckle,’ classroom assistants will say ‘Did your mummy bake some cakes for the stall? How lovely.’ Why does everyone assume it’s the mum that does it all? It’s particularly odd when someone says this when both mother and father are standing there. Or when teachers or pre-school staff talk about ‘the mummies’ when there are clearly a number of dads stood right there. Sometime they’ll tack ‘and daddies, of course’ on as an afterthought, with a little laugh, as it the existence of dads or their involvement with their offspring is some bizarre freak of nature.

And then there are the assumptions about what the dads do – all the DIY, putting the bins out and teaching children to swim and ride bikes seem to be the biggies. Oh yes, and anything to do with cars and money. And sport. Father’s day card components in pre-school always have footballs or cars, while the mums get flowers and, well, flowers. And when a parent isn’t there? ‘Is daddy at work?’ ‘Is mummy out shopping?’ I remember being shocked and not a little offended when a dad (who was at home during the day, so should obviously understand that it’s possible to work at times that aren’t 9 to 5) asked me ‘So what does your husband do?’, but Chris suffers far more wrong assumptions than I do.

And, of course, all this pales into insignificance when compared to what non-traditional families have to put up with – single parents, extended families, blended families, gay families, and just plain non-traditional families who can’t be categorised at all. Because, while the assumption is that that mum does certain things and the dad does others, the assumption is also still that there is a mum and there is a dad and that they live together.

The worst thing of all, though? I’m guilty of it myself. I frequently assume that a mum has dressed a child, that it’s the mum who needs to decide on a playdate, that it’s the mum I should talk to about birthday parties and fancy dress costumes. And, even worse, there are times when I assume that it’s my job to do something, without even considering that Chris might want to do or even be able to do it.

So, how about you? How do you split the parenting (and other tasks, if you want to share) in your household? Are you a traditional family or a non-traditional one and do you find people make assumptions about how you live your life? Do you jump to conclusions yourself and fall into believing the gender stereotypes?