Who do you want to be?

I spend the vast majority of my time feeling like I don’t do well enough. At anything.

Probably the only aspect of my life where I don’t feel this too often is work – I run a successful business with Chris (and with help from Sasha and dedicated freelancers), I always give 100% (or more) to every job, frequently putting in more time, thought and dedication than our very reasonable prices might seem to warrant (sorry, no, this isn’t a sales pitch, though if you do happen to work in educational or academic publishing – or, indeed publishing of any kind – feel free to take a look at TAG Publishing Services). If I make a mistake or for some reason don’t manage to give 100%, I tie myself in knots worrying about it and attempting to make sure that the same problem could not recur.

So, in work, I tend to feel confident and satisfied, though at the moment I’m trying to update my skills in a few areas, which is making me a little less confident – once I’ve mastered them, though, I’ll be back on top.

But in all other areas of life I feel I deliver far less than 100%. My parenting is probably the one I worry about most. I constantly compare myself against others. In my immediate environs, the first person I get to compare myself against is Chris, and somehow he seems to have settled into his role as a parent and the vast majority of the time comes across as knowing what he’s doing – and getting results (by results, I mean things like getting children to go to sleep without spending hours dealing with screams or ‘I want some water’; getting children dressed and out the door on time in the morning without screaming or shouting; managing to say ‘No’ to children without feeling like (or seeming to feel like) an evil monster, not automatically going for the TV babysitter in order to get some housework done, and so on and so on…).

Slightly further afield and there are parents on the school run who always talk calmly to children and seem to never shout or scream, whose children seem to be permanently calm and well-behaved and happy (I’ve talked about my envy of parental tone of voice before, in fact). And then, after that there are the bloggers who seem to be parenting in the way (or some of the ways) I imagine I should be or would like to be – people like Luschka of Diary of a First Child and Adele of Circus Queen and Laura of Dichotomy of, among many others.

It’s not really that I want to be them exactly, more that I want to be able to be as comfortable in my parenting as they seem to be (and, yes, I’m very aware that I may be seeing things very differently to how they actually are). The main thing I’d like is calm. Calm acceptance that parenting can be frustrating for example, but that it’s not our children’s fault that they get exceptionally upset about the teeniest thing. That kind of thing.

And then there are other aspects of my life where I feel inadequate:

Doing my share of the housework. There are a bunch of things that Chris does better – quick tidies, spotting things that need wiping or picking up, gardening, keeping on top of the dishes… – in fact, probably the only one that I’m any good at is the washing and even then we end up with four or five boxes of clean clothes waiting to be put away for days.

Being a thoughtful partner and wife. I’m not very good at being openly affectionate, for example, or setting aside one-on-one time (I will sit at my desk faffing around with WordPress themes – did you notice the new layout? – or Technorati claims for hours rather than stepping away and listening/talking to Chris, for example).

Being a good daughter and sister. My mum and sister get hardly any attention or time from me these days. I probably visit my mum less than once a month and these days even Eva, who lives less than five minutes’ walk away, is lucky to get one visit a month. I used to spend hours talking to them both on the phone – these days most of our communication is via Facebook or Twitter.

And, right down the bottom it seems, is being a good friend. About the only friend who gets something remotely like decent attention from me is Sasha, and that’s very likely because I email her most days about work and we might squeeze in a ‘How was your weekend?’ I haven’t spoken to Sadie in a good few months – can never get my timing right for making phone calls, it seems, but it wouldn’t take much to phone on a weekend instead of trying to fit it around children’s bedtimes and dog walks and so on. And friends I used to see a lot at breast-feeding or toddler groups get a three-minute chat in the market or the library and possibly a comment or two on Facebook.

There are so, so many things that I want to do better and give more time to, but I just don’t know how to fit it all in. I think that, actually, I want to be some implausibly superhuman woman, managing to do absolutely everything perfectly and not allowing anyone to take on any responsibilities or duties to help. I know that my work-life improved when Chris became a partner and then again when Sasha came on board to do the things I hate doing (scheduling and invoices).

So, really I need to try to come to terms with what I actually can do and accept it. And let other people do some of the other stuff. It doesn’t matter that Chris is better at some of the parenting than I am – because I’m probably better at some of it than him, and we balance each other out nicely. It doesn’t matter if he spots the dust and cobwebs and I don’t, because I do the washing and clean the bathroom sink and put the tea towels back where they go. And it doesn’t matter that I don’t see or speak to my friends every week – when I do speak to them it’s great, even if it’s been a year or more since the last time.

But I do think I should give a little bit more of my time and attention to Chris, my sister, and my mum. And everything else can carry on as normal, as I’m really not doing that badly.

Who do you want to be? Do you feel you excel in all areas or do you feel inadequate in some? Do you accept that it’s OK to not to everything yourself? Why do women need to be perfect?

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