Big sister: big role model: big responsibility

One of the most commonest phrases you’ll hear me and Chris uttering to Rosemary (not quite as common as ‘Just sit still for a few minutes!’) is ‘Remember you’re a role model to Eleanor.’

Eleanor copies pretty much everything Rosemary does, whether it’s good or bad, whether it’s funny or dangerous, whether it’s thoughtful or careless. Eleanor loves her big sister and idolises her.

We are frequently telling Rosemary off for Eleanor’s actions:

• Rosemary gets down from the table after one forkful of dinner; Eleanor follows, despite having been shovelling her dinner in; ‘Rosemary! That was your fault!’
• Rosemary runs out of the bathroom with her toothbrush in her mouth; Eleanor follows; ‘Rosemary! Don’t teach your sister to run with things in her mouth!’
• Rosemary asks for a treat; Eleanor asks for a treat; Rosemary accepts the ‘No, not today’; Eleanor lies down on the floor, kicking and screaming ‘I want a treat! I need a treat! I need a treat now!’; ‘Rosemary! That was your fault!’

The other day, it suddenly struck me how often we do this. Not that it’s not true that Eleanor copies Rosemary’s unwanted behaviour, because she really does. But is it fair to put all this responsibility on Rosemary? In fact, she did complain about it recently, bemoaning the fact that she has to try to behave so well and think about how her actions affect Eleanor before she does them. Surely other children of her age, without younger siblings have a bit more freedom to muck about.

When it struck me how much we do this, I sat down and apologised to her. I told her all the fantastic things she does for Eleanor and teaches Eleanor. I told her how well Eleanor is brushing her own teeth, after having spent a week with just Rosemary taking her in for bedtime tooth-brushing. I told her how good Eleanor is at role-playing because she has a big sister who will play with her and be patient with her for hours at a time. I told her Eleanor is getting better at drawing and holding her pen the right way, because she watches Rosemary do it. I told her how lucky Eleanor is to have a big sister to sit with her and help her play her new Wonderpets DS game, explaining what to do and helping with the bits she can’t manage. I told her how lucky Eleanor is to have a big sister who will help her get dressed and even wipe her bum for her.

I told her that she is a brilliant role model for her little sister and that we forget that fact far too much.

And, then, this evening, I went and told her off for running around too fast with Eleanor and causing Eleanor to hurt herself. I really do forget how good a role model Rosemary is far, far too often. We are the adults, and we need to take some of that responsibility back off our five-year-old daughter! Not that we are wrong to remind her to set a good example, of course, but we could do it in a less critical manner, I think.