How not to write a novel

This ia a Book Week post

I have three unfinished novels sitting on my computer, one on a floppy disk somewhere (oops) and one typed on a typewriter (an electronic one, though I think there may be some pages languishing in my mum’s loft that were typed on my old manual typewriter) and filed in my ‘Creative Writing’ ring binder and another scribbled in a notebook – ooh, actually, I think there are two handwritten ones. I also have synopses for a few and quite a lot of basic ideas scribbled or tapped down somewhere. The furthest I’ve ever got is Chapter 10 and that was in 1994.

I’m really, really, really good at not writing a novel. If there was a Man Booker prize for excellence in putting off actual writing, then I’d win it. Twice. My first forays into not writing a book (aside from just going down the pub which, while it does work, I don’t think it can count properly) involved borrowing some How to Write books from the library (when I was a bit older and more solvent (kind of), I graduated to buying these books, instead). Some time later I paid some money for one of those courses advertised in The Guardian. And did the first two lessons.

Oh, but none of this comes close to what became possible when the Internet came along (OK, I know, it actually came along a while before I discovered it). Writing forums. Authors’ blogs. Prospective authors’ blogs. Ooh, ooh, ooh, writing a blog. I spent hours and hours on the Absolute Write forums chatting about writing, reading about writing, sharing my tips as an editor, even monitoring one of the boards. Hours and hours that were enjoyable, yes, but that could have been spent actually writing. I read lots of authors’ blogs (Neil Gaiman, Tess Gerritsen, John Scalzi and many more), publishing blogs (Making Light) and a bunch of random writing-related blogs that I can’t remember anymore. Add this to the forums and it was actually possible to fill up all of my free time (and there was a fair chunk of it as this was pre-children) with reading, talking and even writing about writing, without actually doing very much writing.

Some of my more recent advances into not writing a novel have included searching (and searching and searching) for the exact right kind of paper (the kind of paper we used to have at school – A4 with narrow rules and hole punches, and the rules are a certain kind of blue and the margin rule has to be red), the exact right kind of pen, a netbook (and more recently a new netbook). Occasionally I have also been stalled by a lack of index cards, or index cards of the right colour, or refills for my clicky pencil.

There is definitely an art to not writing a novel, but it does take a lot of practice, too – you can’t just jump straight in.

If you’d prefer to actually write a novel, check out some of Emily Carlisle’s tips (she actually managed to finish a first draft) in the first of today’s guest posts. Or read some really good tips from Joanne Harris. If you’re going to read one book on writing, make it Stephen King’s On Writing. And if you’re a woman looking for a space to explore your writing, you could do a lot worse than visit Judith’s Room.

Of course, what you should actually do is turn off the Internet and go and write something. Go on. Now! (But come back later and read the rest of Book Week, please.)